Oh, the Flaws
by poplarleaves
Summary: Dear readers, in this world nothing is as it seems. Logic is defied, gamers baffled, and fans are confounded. Let us enter the realm of Pokemon. Crackfic making fun of illogicalities in the games and the anime.
1. Fainting

"Ash?"

"Yeah?" Ash looked up from the grass. He was sitting cross-legged beside Misty, picking at the blades of green in front of him while the two of them waited for Brock to finish cooking.

"Do you ever wonder what happens to the wild Pokemon that we beat up?"

The dark-haired trainer blinked. "Not really. Why?"

"Well, they faint, right?"

"Yeah, so...?"

"And then we leave them there."

"Yeah, so...?"

"Then why is it that whenever we look back at where they were lying before, they're gone?"

Ash thought. He made a good attempt at it, which isn't saying much due to the fact that he didn't think very often.

"Well," he said slowly, "what if when they faint they're immediately transported through a time-and-space-rending warp hole to the nearest Pokemon Center, and when they're healed they're be sent back to where they were before."

His carrot-haired friend mulled it over. "Then we'd have wild Pokemon popping out all over the place."

"Yeah."

"Rattata's and Weedles and little Spearows..."

They both burst into simultaneous laughter.

"Ha, oh god, that would be so _hilarious_!"

"And then... and then all the Nurse Joys would...!"

"I know, right?"

More laughter. Then Brock called them to dinner.

Neither of them suspected that just behind them, a Rattata was emerging from an oddly-shaped hole that, to the naked eye, seemed to lead nowhere. As the rat Pokemon fell to the ground, an eerily cheerful, disembodied voice said, "Here you go. We hope to see you again!"

The Rattata blinked. And then it slowly walked away.


	2. Grass

"Look, Misty!" Ash shouted, waving his arms high above his head. "I'm not getting attacked!"

"That's great, Ash." Misty rolled his eyes as the other trainer continued to stand in one place. "You're standing in the tall grass. Yay."

"If I stayed here all day, would I get attacked?"

Misty sighed. "No, idiot. You only get attacked if you take steps."

"Why?"

Misty hadn't thought of that one before.

"Misty, why?"

"Well..."

"Because whenever we take a few steps, Pokemon jump out at us and attack us, and then the whole world goes dark for half a second. Right?"

"Yeah... and then the world comes back, only it's much closer, and we see ourselves move toward the left while the wild Pokemon moves toward our right."

"Like on a conveyor belt," Ash added.

"And then these weird bar things show up and show us how much health our Pokemon have left." Misty frowned. "That's odd."

"It is, isn't it?"

"I never thought about it before." Her brow furrowed, and she stood. "Ash, take a few steps," she commanded.

"No," he said obstinately, and stuck out his tongue at her.

"Take a few steps forward!"

"Why don't you do it instead?"

"Because you're the guy, so you should be nice to girls."

"But you're the one who came up with the idea in the first place!"

"Dammit, Ash!"

Immediately a fight broke out, and Brock had to calm down both sides before they would acknowledge each other's existence. By that time, however, both of them had already forgotten what they were fighting about.


	3. Names

"Ash Ketchum!"

Ash looked up. "What?"

May glared at him, blue eyes narrowing. "You have a last name." She poked him. "That's weird."

"Yeah," chimed in Brock. He frowned. "Why is it that only a select few people in our world have last names?"

"Like me?" asked Tracey Sketchit.

"Er, yes. And Gary and Samuel Oak. And Misty Waterflower. Only that's the name her fans gave her, not her official one."

Drew walked in, looking affronted. "I don't have a last name, either. I mean, if the Pokemon creators actually gave me one, it would probably be something gay like Rose, but it's still insulting."

"Even my daddy doesn't have a last name!" shouted Max, trying to get everyone to notice him.

"Exactly!" said May. "I'm a freaking main character, for Arceus' sake, and I don't even have a last name!"

Ash huffed. "Well, I'm so-rry for stealing the spotlight from you guys, because I'm THE main character."

"But minor characters have last names, too," pointed out Misty. "All of the professors have last names. So does Steven Stone and his dad. And Tracey, who only shows up for one season and just acts lame all the time."

"Hey! That was mildly insulting!"

"It makes for a lot of problems, too, like when we're put into real-world situations and we have to give our names. What do we do? Either the fanfic authors offer us a last name, or we just say our first name and sound weird."

Max kneeled on the floor, tears streaming out from underneath his glasses. "Why, cruel world? _Why_?!"

Everyone simply shook their heads and walked away.


	4. Weather

Ash stepped forward. Ash stepped back.

See Ash step.

Misty, May, Brock and Max watched Ash step forward and back, forward and back.

"Ash," Misty groaned, "just get over it. No matter how many times you do it, the weather will always change whenever you step forward. Oh, there it goes again. See? Works every time."

"It... it defies the laws of logic," muttered Ash. "It's not right. It doesn't make sense." He stepped forward, and snow began to fall. He stepped back, and it stopped.

Exasperated, Misty shouted, "It's not supposed to make sense!"

"But I want it to!"

"Let's just get going and leave Ash behind, okay?" May suggested brightly. "He's like this all the time, you know."

"Yeah, true."

Misty started to leave, then glanced behind again. Ash was still stepping forward and back. And the weather changed with his steps: from snow to clear, clear to snow.

"Ash, dammit, get over here!" Misty stomped back and bodily dragged Ash by the collar toward the rest of their traveling group. Everyone stopped and stared as she gave him a sound beating, then continued dragging him. "Come on, everyone," she panted, still moving. "Let's go. I've got the idiot. He's all right now."

"I'm not... alright... gah..." Ash moaned. "Misty, it hurts. Stoppit. Stop. I want to see the weather change again. Argh, my head..."

Fear lacing their steps, Brock, Max and May followed the Cerulean gym leader into the slowly whitening landscape.

"I really hope he's all right," whispered Brock to Max. "She gave him a concussion once."

Max's eyes widened. From then on, he did not attempt to cross Misty.


	5. Roots

"Dad," Max asked Norman curiously, "Why is it that you're one of the only two fathers mentioned in this entire show?"

The Petalburg gym leader frowned. "I don't really know. The other father is Brock's dad, right? The former Pewter City gym leader."

"I don't have a mom, though," Brock pointed out.

Ash walked in. "Well, I have _both _parents! Wait, so do May and Max. Nevermind."

"Your dad is barely even mentioned," remarked Misty. "And my parents aren't mentioned at all. Only my older sisters."

"Well," Dawn said brightly, "my mom shows up, too, even though my dad doesn't. It's so weird. Seems like moms are favored over dads."

Misty snickered, trying to cover up her giggles. "Virgin births. That's how we're born."

"Oh, that reminds me." Ash turned to the others. "How are kids made? Do we make Eggs, too? You need a mommy and a daddy for it, right? Just like Pokemon."

There was a long, awkward silence.

"You idiot." Gary punched him from behind. "Remember what happened the last time you asked that?"

"I am _not _an idiot! I only act like one!"

"Idiot. Idiot idiot idiot."

"Well," Ash huffed, "at least I have a mom. I bet _your _mom was a Ditto."

The auburn-haired trainer gasped in shock. "She was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was _not_!" Gary stamped his foot on the ground defiantly.

In a low, dangerous voice, Ash growled, "Your dad was a _Houndoom_!"

It was a long time before they calmed Gary down.


	6. Clothes

"Misty," Ash said slowly, "I just realized something."

"What?"

"Something really important."

"What?" she repeated.

"And it's kind of embarrassing."

Misty groaned. "For Arceus' sake, just spit it out! I want to sleep!"

"I haven't changed clothes for three years!" Ash blurted out.

His friend blinked. "It's the same for everyone, isn't it?"

"Oh." He thought about it. "Yeah."

"Exactly. You don't need to worry about a thing, because all of us have been wearing the same clothes for three whole years without even changing our underwear except for those rare moments when we're seen swimming or wearing some special outfit for some special episode." She glowered at him and then rolled over. "Just go to sleep."

"Okay."

It wasn't long before he spoke up again.

"Don't you think it's disgusting?"

"No, goddammit, just go to sleep! I'm not a late-night person, if you haven't noticed."

"But Misty--"

She whacked him soundly over the head.

"Ow."

"Go to sleep or I'll do it again."

"But when we're on the road, how do we _go?_ There aren't any rest stops or anything, and since you're a girl and we're guys..." he trailed off, uncomfortable.

Misty shook her head. "Ash," she sighed, "you're too young. Just don't question these things. This is a kid show. Kid shows are bound to be illogical. Someday when the Pokemon creators make an older version of you, I'll tell you."

"Okay, Misty," her friend said sleepily. "I'll grow up. And then you'll tell me ehhh-verything. And--" he yawned and fell over. "G'night Misty."

"G'night."


	7. Age

"How old am I?"

May looked up at her traveling companion from a magazine. "What? You're asking how old you are? Aren't you ten? At least, that's what everyone assumes."

"No, I can't be ten." Ash shook his head. "You're supposed to be ten - wait. No, Dawn's supposed to be ten, and you're supposed to be older than ten, though how much older I don't know. So I must be older than whatever age you are. But no one ever says. I could be eighty-seven for all I know, and I'll still be this size because I'll never get older or taller or even fatter. I'll never be able to ride roller coasters and drive a car even though Gary once drove a car in some episode that I forgot which one it was but I don't really care because he's a-- I won't say that. I'll never be able to watch R-rated movies! Oh, the agony! The blood! The gore! The sex! I'll miss it all!"

"Hm. Yes. What?" She flipped the page as he continued.

"Maaaaay, I want to be able to drink legally and get a license and register on adult websites and I want to be old enough to do fun stuff on Neopets!" he moaned. "But I can't and I never will! And why? Because I'll never grow any older!"

The supposed ten-year-old stood and began running in circles, screaming himself hoarse. After several long minutes, he finally came to a stop and fell to the ground.

"I want to watch at least a PG-13 movie," he sobbed. "Why, cruel world? Why must you be so unfair?"

May glanced up and then glanced back down. "Life is never fair, Ash," she sighed.


	8. Maturity

"Dawn," May said curiously, "why do you usually wear a short dress? Isn't it cold?"

The blunette shrugged. "Well, yeah, but I'm alright. I mean, the weather's always sunny except for those few rare episodes when the weather has to change to affect the plot," she said matter-of-factly. "Besides, you wear a pretty short skirt yourself."

"At least I wear leggings underneath," the other Coordinator said defensively. "Just so people can't just randomly think up perverted scenes with me in them."

Dawn laughed. "This is Pokemon, May! We're in a kid's show! We don't even show any blood! There was an episode banned just because an Officer Jenny pointed a gun at someone! Do you really think that anyone who watches this would think up perverted scenes?" she scoffed.

May looked around nervously, then leaned in closer, a terrified expression on her face. "The Internet is a dangerous place, Dawn. It's _dangerous!_ Who knows what kinds of people are out there - I don't even have the guts to look up 'Pokemon porn' on Google!"

"Why would you want to do tha--"

"I meant theoretically," May said quickly.

"Sure."

There was a silence while the authoress struggled to think of something else to write.

"May? I've always wondered why you have... ah... more _assets_ than both me and Misty."

"Dawn!" The brunette blushed and covered up her b-- I mean, chest area. "Why are you talking about this?"

"I honestly don't know." Dawn blinked.

"Well, to answer your question, I was designed that way. By that Sugimori person."

"And _I_ was designed with a short skirt."

"Oh, fine."


	9. Injury

"Pikachu, use Thunderbolt!"

"Piiii... kaaaaa... _chuuuuuuuuuuu!_"

A flash of lightning arced toward Team Rocket and struck the villains full-force, blasting them into the air. As their usual cry of "Team Rocket's blasting off again!" faded into the distance, Ash turned back to his friends and smiled.

"Well," he sighed happily, "looks like they're not going to bother us anymore - at least, not for the rest of today. We can rest easy until tomorrow!"

"Why is that, I wonder?" mused Brock thoughtfully.

"Why is what?" Ash and Misty blinked at their companion, puzzled.

Brock frowned. "Well, why is it that Team Rocket can get struck by several thousand volts of lightning, get blasted several hundred feet into the air, _land_ after they get blasted several hundred feet into the air, and then come back the next day, just in time to get blasted off again? Why? And how?"

"I have an odd feeling that we're all becoming more and more thoughtful recently," Misty remarked.

"But how can they survive such a shock and such a fall?" Brock continued, evidently not listening. "It's... it's ridiculous! Why did I never notice this before? Why," he nearly screamed, "_did none of us ever notice?!_"

"I... was too preoccupied with getting shiny flat pin thingies?" Ash supplied.

Misty nodded. "And I was too busy being tomboyish and acting as Ash's romantic interest. Um." Her face colored. "Wait, no..."

"But I'm pretty sure they couldn't survive a fall like that. I mean, a hundred feet is already deadly; falling from several hundred feet must be many times worse! I don't get it!"

"We never do," Misty sighed.


	10. Gear

"Drew, where do you get your roses?"

The green-haired Coordinator blinked. "What do you mean, 'where'?"

"Actually, let me reword that," said May quickly. "But first: do you see me carrying a backpack?"

"Well, you have a fannypack. Does that count?"

"Is Ash carrying a backpack?"

"He used to during the Kanto and Johto arcs, I think."

"But not anymore. And do you have a backpack?"

"I have... pockets?"

"So let me ask you again. Where do we keep all of our travel gear? _Where do you get your roses?_"

Drew opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, and then said, "Good question."

"What do you do, pull them out of your ass or something?"

"Well, I wouldn't say tha-"

"I've worn swimsuits before, right? And I assume I must have toiletries because otherwise it would be very unhygienic and out of character, right?"

"They might fit in your pack-"

"What about a change of underwear? Money? A brush and comb? Socks? _You_ need those things too!"

"May, you're choking m-"

"_How do you get perfect green hair without conditioner?_"

At this point May realized that her rival had fainted dead away in her viselike grip, his eyes rolled into the back of his head. She dropped him.

"Oops."


End file.
